One of the biggest parenting “Aha!”’s for me was realizing that tools and techniques I had learned in my work life could be modified to be helpful in my role as a parent. Goal setting is the tool I have had the most success with to date.

After our eldest daughter’s birth, Richard and I joked a lot about our “strong willed woman.” Maddy knew what she liked and did not like and was not shy in expressing her opinions! After a couple of months of jokes only sleep-deprived parents would find funny, it hit me one day that she would, if tragedy did not strike, eventually be grown. And I fervently hoped that she will grow into a strong-willed woman.

I started thinking about what other qualities I hoped she would have and decided to make a list. Kind, resilient, curious, and possessing a love of reading were some of the characteristics that topped my wish list for her. There were things we were doing to help nurture those qualities but as I went through the items I realized there were places we could improve.

And then it hit me – this is what Stephen Covey talked about with his principle to begin with the end in mind. Granted, I had not slept the night through in months but it amazed me how much this principle, which I had thought of mainly as a management tool, applied to parenting. What a thought – parent your child to help them develop the characteristics you want them to have as an adult!

We made some changes at that point and continue to refine both our wish list and our actions. It has been remarkably clarifying when we are faced with choices that involve short-term pain for us or our children. For example, when we tell the girls, “If you behave while we are running errands, you can earn an ice cream cone,” and only one child behaves, we have a choice. We can either let both girls get an ice cream cone (which is easier in the short-term) and teach them that we don’t mean what we say and behavior does not have consequences. Or we can let only the child who followed directions get a cone while the other wails (which is harder in the short-term, not to mention embarrassing) but teach them both that there are consequences, good and bad, for actions and we really do mean what we say.

So, what kind of an adult do you want your child to be? What skills or qualities do you think are most helpful or beneficial?

Note: I went back to reread parts of Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People after writing the above and found this quote: “If you want to raise responsible, self-disciplined children, you have to keep that end clearly in mind as you interact with your children on a daily basis. You can’t behave towards them in ways that undermine their self-discipline or self-esteem.” This is one of those books that seems fresh every time I read it since my perspective changes over time. If you’ve never read it, I recommend it highly. If you already have, read it from the perspective of a parent and see how it helps you.

I also recently discovered Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, which walks through how to translate the principles in his earlier book to families. I highly recommend this book as well!

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